Holding on to Her Memories
by Xfilchlovesmrs.norrisX
Summary: Severus Snape's reaction when Dumbledore tells him about Lily's death. "She's gone, Severus." R&R.


**Disclaimer: **_Do I have to?_** +sees approaching foreign lawyers+**

** Fine, fine. **

**I do not own Harry Potter. The Boy-Who-Lived, Hogwarts, and the entirety of the Wizarding World belong to the brilliant JK Rowling.**

* * *

You hear wizards all over the world rejoicing because of the Dark Lord's demise. Though relieved by this turn of events, dread fills your heart. You haven't heard any news concerning her but you feverishly cling on to the hope that _she_ has managed to survive. You are agitated—intensely worried about her safety, so you immediately contact the very wizard to whom you have given your alliance, to whom you have entrusted your life and hers, to affirm the rumors flying all over the country.

* * *

You are sitting inside the headmaster's office awaiting his answers. You were about to lash out on him, angered by his silence, when he finally spoke.

"She's gone, Severus…"

You look up to see Albus Dumbledore, but you quickly avert your gaze when you notice that the blue eyes upon you are filled with sadness, pity, and understanding.

You say nothing. You feel hollow, empty. You are vaguely aware of the words coming out of Dumbledore's mouth but your brain just could not comprehend the message that he is passing unto you. It is as if your whole body ceased to function after you heard those two words. .._She's gone_.

The finality of that statement haunts you. _No…She couldn't possibly…Dumbledore, he vowed to protect her…couldn't, no…_However_, _your constant denial brings you no comfort because in the innermost recesses of your mind, you know that she has indeed left this world…left you…forever.

Suddenly, a most heart-wrenching sound pierced the silence that hung between you and the headmaster. It takes you two seconds to recognize those anguish-filled sobs as your own. Your hands— previously clenched into fists on your lap, covered your face in an attempt to muffle your agonized whimpers and hide the hot tears sliding down the sides of your cheeks.

You're body shakes convulsively as you whisper her name over and over again, "Lily…Lily…Lily".

You bring forth every memory you have of her because you fear that if you don't, they would disappear…along with her.

* * *

You focus all your energy to picture that day when you first saw her at the park. You didn't know, then, what it was in her that drew you in; but when you saw her perform magic, you thought that, perhaps, that was the strange connection that you felt between you two. After that, you felt compelled to return to that muggle park, day after day, knowing that you would have to be the one to tell her about her gift.

You always observed her from a distance, taking great care so as to remain undetected.

After several days of spying at her, you began to notice small things about her that made her all the more fascinating to watch. You marveled at how her long, ruby-colored hair brought about a sharp contrast when it framed her white, creamy skin. You noticed how she would absent-mindedly play with a lock of her hair when she was contemplating something. You noticed how she bit her bottom lip and how sad her voice sounded whenever her sister would disapprove of her actions.

You remember how her eyes, her lovely green orbs, sparkled as she showed her sister what she could do with the flower placed delicately on her palm.

Excitement surged through your body as you decided that it was the right time to tell her; apparently, you were wrong. With a wince, you remember how affronted she looked when you told her that she was a witch. She threw you a furious glare and after that, willingly followed her older sister towards their home, leaving you to ponder on what could have possibly gone wrong.

With a bitter laugh, you come to a realization. Even then, her presence already had a strong effect on you.

She had already become the sole object of your undivided attention.

* * *

The next day, without telling Petunia, she sought after you so that she could ask about her supposed abilities.

_I'm curious, _you remember her saying_._

You were only too happy to oblige to her request.

After that, the two of you became inseparable. Both of you could always be found sitting under the shade of trees, having animated talks about magic. You find her hanging to you every word and notice her eyes glow with anticipation every time you mention Hogwarts, spells, dementors, and even the mundane laws concerning the world were both of you belonged.

_Yes, the Wizarding World was her world as much as it was yours,_ you thought as you decided that neither of you belonged with the muggles.

She became your most trusted confidant. You let her into your life and she let you into hers. She would always look at you with such a caring expression and gently brush her hand against your palm as if to say that she was there for you. And she was…that is, she had always been around when you needed her.

Whenever your parents get into a violent fight, she would flash you a friendly smile and then you would be helpless to do anything else except to offer a shy smile of your own.

_You needed her… and you relished the fact that she needed you, too._

* * *

It was as you told her. Your acceptance letters for Hogwarts arrived when both of you reached the ripe age of eleven. After having breakfast the morning she received her letter, she immediately rushed towards your meeting place by the river. You were already there, patiently awaiting her arrival. (You were always thankful for some time away from your so-called home.)

You instantly looked up when you heard her voice calling out to you, "Sev, Sev, you were right!…Hogwarts, the letter…it came!" You were in awe at the way her long, dark crimson hair swayed in the wind as she came sprinting towards you. She gracefully stopped in front of your sitting form and, without a second thought, enveloped you in a tight embrace. Although still exhausted by the run, she still managed to utter several words of thanks before letting you go.

She beamed at you but when she noticed your silence, confusion became evident on her eyes. She waved her hands in front of your face and, in a sing-song voice, she said, "Earth to Severus Snape…Earth to Sev…"

You just stared at her, clearly at a loss for words. You felt dizzy, yet content at the same time. All you knew, then, was that she need not thank you, for she has already given you more than you could possibly ask for.

Her friendship.

* * *

September 1st came and both of you would be going to Hogwarts for the first time. You were expecting her to be happy about it but when you saw her in one of the train's compartments, she was crying. You hated seeing her like that and at that very moment, you vowed that you would never let yourself, or anyone else, hurt her.

"Tuney h-hates me…" she sobbed.

Her misery confused you. You could not understand why Lily even bothers to prove herself worthy of a muggle's affections. But you know that you should never tell her that…She loved her sister. Why she did, you'll never understand.

* * *

You remember her squeezing your hand before following Mcgonagall's instructions to proceed to the front of the Great Hall for the sorting.

You remember the sadness you felt when the hat proclaimed Lily as a Gryffindor.

You remember the hopelessness that filled you when the tattered hat simply refused to place you into the same house as hers and instead, placed you into Slytherin—the house you eagerly wanted to belong to until she was sorted into a different one.

You remember how naive you sounded when you doggedly muttered to yourself that nothing would change…that both of you would remain friends, no matter what.

* * *

You recall her warning you to be wary of your other "friends", Mulciber and Avery. You never took her advice, though, because you thought that you were doing what was best for you.

_You're also doing it for her_, you reasoned. You wanted her to be proud of you. You wanted her to acknowledge your possession of a talent that not even that egotistic Potter could surpass.

You sought for power so that you could finally become worthy of her love.

As young as you were back then, you already knew that you loved her.

* * *

Your reminiscent mind led you to a memory that you have desperately wanted to forget for years, to no avail.

It was the beginning of the end of your friendship with her.

You let out a shuddering breath as the dreadful memory, once again, entered your mind.

You remember how your blood came rushing towards your head immediately after you were ingloriously hung upside down by that ever-conceited Potter. You remember the seething anger you felt for everyone on the field who came to watch, jeer, and ridicule you at that utterly humiliating moment.

You remember her marching towards the crowd, fury clearly written all over her face. You dared not meet her gaze, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. You suffered, in mortifying silence, as you listened to her throw insults at that overconfident prat…as she bravely opposed the members of her own house and demanded that they stop torturing you, the Slytherin.

Potter, in compliance to her command, released you from his hex's hold. You were oblivious to the pain that shot through your whole body as it collided with the solid ground. All you saw were the mocking sneers of Potter and his gang. You loathed each and every one of them. You wanted, very much, to tear them into pieces, limb by limb. You wanted to subject them to the most grueling torture imaginable to man until they groveled at your feet, begging for your mercy.

_Soon_, you swore angrily under your breath.

You chanced a glance at Lily and even though she tried to hide it behind a mask of indifference, you saw the sympathy adorning her expression…sympathy for you. You felt the shame gnawing at your insides.

When you heard Potter's snide comment, something within you exploded and you uttered the vilest remark you could think of.

_Mudblood._

Regret was your immediate reaction the very instance that that filthy word came spewing out of your mouth.

You saw the pain and confusion that showed on her face for a flicker of a moment before it was replaced by a look of revulsion. Each unfeeling word she aimed at you felt like a knife, stabbing at your heart.

As you looked at her retreating form, a feeling of despair and self-loathing overwhelmed you.

You cursed the students who witnessed your disgrace. You cursed the arrogance of Potter and his cronies.

But above all, you cursed yourself.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm still having second thoughts about continuing this story up to Sev's death (or even beyond that). Please R&R! I want to hear your comments. () How else would I know if my story was downright boring if you don't tell me, riiight? Thanks!

Oh, and tell me if you'd like a second chapter or a sequel to this. Thanks again!

_Without wax,_

Xfilchlovesmrsnorrisx


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